The Dad Blog

Today marks 5 years since my dad died. I remember the day clearly. I remember the shock and disbelief after hearing my mom on the phone telling me to get to the hospital, then seeing my mom and I knew he was gone. My dad was doing something on my mom's truck. It was up on ramps and he was underneath it on the creeper. He had forgotten to block the back tires and it rolled off the ramps and killed him instantly. The one thing I'm thankful for is that he didn't suffer.

I still have nightmares about that day. Sometimes I can't remember what his voice sounded like or his laugh, other days its as clear day. 

People will say "I'm so sorry. I know how you feel". Its almost all I can do to not lose my shit on them. Do they?? Most of the time the answer is no. They lost a parent or a grandparent or friend because they were sick.. Cancer, AIDS or some sort of terminal illness or just old age. My dad died over a stupid mistake. Unless you've had someone tragically and unexpectedly ripped out of your life you have NO idea how I feel or what I've gone through. YOU had closure and were able to say good bye and make your peace with not having your loved one around. I'll never have that.

My dad was a great guy even if he was a passive man. No matter what I did, I either made him ridiculously proud of me or he'd laugh his ass of at my stupid antics. He loved the boys too. Cole doesn't really remember him since he was only 2 when Dad died but Reese does. He'll see something or remember something and will say "Grandpa Ray would LOVE that!!" or "remember that time?" It makes me  happy that Reese has those memories. 

I find that as I get older I look more like him. I ran into some one who knew my dad a few weeks ago and they said that I have some of the same mannerisms as my dad but obviously they are feminine. Some of my gestures and way I say certain words and how I walk are all similar to Dad's. I never knew that but now that its been pointed out I'm more aware of it. Kind of funny if you think about it. 

So many things have happened in the last 5 years and I wish he had been here to see them and I wish he had been here for me to talk too. He always had a way of making me feel better. I really miss that. 

Dad if you can see or hear me somehow. I love you and I miss you everyday. I hope that you are proud of me even though I can be a royal screw up on occasion.